JJ joins Andi on an unusual date to discover what it means for "love to be timeless." The couple ages 50 years with the help of Hollywood make-up artists and spends the day looking elderly, but remaining young at heart, as they interact with people in the street.(Photo: David Moir ABC)
"We found love in a hopeless place."
No, Rihanna is not talking about "The Bachelorette" when she croons that song at her concerts. It seems likely, I know, but ABC’s reality dating show, which continues tonight at 7 p.m., isn’t entirely hopeless. There have been a few marriages. (Plus a couple from "The Bachelor" is now on "Marriage Boot Camp" on We-TV, so the dream of becoming embarrassing-famous is still alive.)
We said goodbye last week to Iowan Craig Muhlbauer, a tax accountant from Defiance. Craig’s flame is still burning bright in my heart, and I hope he finds his way to the "Men Tell All" episode at the end of the season. Either that, or rehab.
The other Iowan competing, Chris Soules, from Lamont, doesn’t get a date tonight, but he’s most likely safe after last week’s date to Santa Anita Race Track.
What does that mean for tonight? Boyz II Men will be on, and Andi and JJ will take a one-on-one date in which they dress up like old people and play pranks on unsuspecting (uncaring) bystanders. This show really just nails the reality of what happens on dates.
Join me here at 7 p.m., won’t you?
7:11: Because life is not fair, Andy and the dude crew is heading to Santa Barbara. Nix that. The guys are technically staying at home, but just traveling to SB to see Andi on their dates. Nick, a software sales exec (sells Microsoft Office at Best Buy), nabs the first one-on-one date and meets Andi on a pier, the No. 2 most-"Bachelorette" meeting spot. (No. 1 is at a free clinic.) They hop on some bikes and go for a ride, enjoy a long walk on a beach, and generally have a boring time.
Nick is fine. Nick is a gray t-shirt. He is a room-temperature cola. He can probably play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on a recorder. He is fine.
Meanwhile, there’s some shirtless strategizing back at the bachelor pad between Andrew and Marcus. Let it go, guys.
Back on the date, Nick and Andi switch to hiking from biking. Andi urges Nick to say how he feels knowing he might not get anything back. Which, again. I mean, she can give nothing back? Soon, Andi will crush Nick’s spirit. The date ends like many things end: on a mountaintop, in a hug.
This week on "Trying to Make Suave Happen," Catherine (who married born-again-virgin Sean) wants soft waves. Ugh. I can’t wait until they trot out the "free spirit" from last year’s "Bachelor" season for this hideous promo.
7:20: Oh my geez this date is not over? Andi wears some pretty earrings and Nick wears a sateen Members Only jacket to dinner at a courthouse’s yard, and Andi asks the "how are you still single?" loaded question. Nick admits he was engaged once "for a second" when he was a more immature 27. He’s 33 now, guys, so instead of spur-of-the-moment engagements he’s now more into mature relationships culled on a TV show.
I can not concentrate on this date, because of Nick’s jacket. Andi is not wearing sleeves. Nick has a t-shirt, sweater AND jacket on. Andi’s biggest compliment to Nick is that he’s "very aware of what’s going on around him." Yay, Nick! You are a basic human adult. Nevertheless, he gets a rose and a kiss despite his popped collar. They step out on a veranda, and I can hear them queuing up the fireworks.
The fireworks do not come. The budget must have been lowered this year.
7:31: Group date time. Boyz II Men time. Do not pretend that you did not own B2M’s CD, "II," and sing it in the shower every day before school and you were pumped about it because it was, like, one of the first CDs you bought from that ridiculous Colombia House things. Do not pretend you didn’t hope the boy you had a crush on would come up to you and ask you to dance to "I’ll Make Love To You" at the school dance, even though you didn’t know what that really meant and were WAY TOO YOUNG to be singing that to yourself.
I may have overshared.
Andi is way too excited about the embarrassment that will ensue on this group date at the Music Academy of the West, and I don’t know the kind of deal ABC gave them to agree to this charade, but it was not good enough. Three of the four Boyz are on stage and really, what kind of hiding were they in that they also agreed to this?
Eric sums up everything about them with this sentence: "I’m pretty sure I touched my first butt to ‘I Will Make Love to You,’ in seventh grade."
Bradley the opera singer throws out a few notes of the song and if I’m being honest, Bradley needs some hair gel. With everyone else’s hair gel game pretty much on point right now, Bradley can not fall behind.
Spoiler alert: None of these dudes can sing. Also, Andi is terrible at singing. Marcus, who was already pissy about being on this group date in the first place, is struggling. Tasos is decent, but at this point, Andi should probably give a rose to one of the Boyz — probably Wanya, who gave her pointers on giving sexy eyes.
Bradley is not nervous. He is pumped. Bradley probably thinks that with the fourth member of the Boyz out of the picture, he can join the group. Bradley, shut up. You are taking this way too seriously, and you are not making any friends. NOBODY LIKES YOU, BRADLEY. He’s like the girl on JP’s "Bachelor" season who took dancing way too seriously and was all in everybody’s face, showing off and being unlikable. Nobody likes you if you’re too good at something and you’re not all on the same team. DUH.
7:41: It’s showtime, and the guys show up in the middle of the Boyz’s concert, and are totally rude by talking through it like anybody cares who they are. No. People are there to see Wanya, who was always the cutest AND I WILL FIGHT YOU IF YOU DO NOT AGREE WITH ME.
Luckily, the crowd screams enough that we can’t hear the guys completely.
There are really no words to describe the guys’ singing. It is like third-graders trapped in a bus careening off a ledge. It’s worse than 14 drunken Real Housewives caterwauling at a stripper. It is, simply, deplorable.
Andi, who needs to maybe take in some real culture, says she could have asked for nothing more. If she would like to live a worthy life, she should ask for much, much more.
7:54: After the day Santa Barbara’s collective eardrums died, the dudes gather with Andi on a deck with a pool and couches, the No. 3 date spot on "The Bachelorette." Andi takes Cory aside first, and confronts him on having a girlfriend. But you know what? Andi’s kidding. PRANK TIME! Oh, she got you so good, Cory, SO GOOD. Best prank ever. LOLZ haha durrr
Tonight is definitely jacket night. There are a few leather jackets, one a full-on bomber jacket with wool on the collar (never change, Patrick), and a some casual jackets. So many jackets. Jackets are to this date what beanies and tank tops are to hanging out at the house.
The idiots on the date are on the couches, in their jackets, talking about how Andi has no flaws. Like, literally no flaws. She is perfect, guys. She’s the total package, they say. "Perfect" on "The Bachelorette" actually means there has been no substantial discussion yet. I mean, everybody knows that a girl’s perfect favorite color is pink. What if Andi’s favorite color is orange? They need to find that out, pronto. Major disappointment could ensue.
Lots of makeouts on this date: Marcus. Josh, an exercise bicycle from the ’80s that has a broken fan on it. Josh also gets the rose. It’s notable that Josh also has a flannel scarf on and Andi is sleeveless again. Marcus thought his makeout session was more important so he’s mad he didn’t get the rose.
8:04: It’s JJ’s one-on-one date with Andi. Pantsapreneur JJ shows up in — what else? — teal zebra-printed pants with khaki pockets. As you do, when you’re a pantsapreneur.
On this very real and possibly offensive date, Andi and JJ get dressed up like old people for a muy sexy time. This must be an all-day process and that’s how I’d prefer my date with JJ — not sitting next to him for much of the day.
Andi and JJ then head out to prank the town of Santa Barbara, by telling people it’s their 50th wedding anniversary and making people photograph them. When they talk, they wheeze and gasp and walk bent over and it’s clear these morons have never met an older person before. Andi’s acting is fairly terrible.
8:14: Andi says she wants love to keep her young at heart, so these two toss a football around, turn cartwheels, and perform pushups in a park while dressed as olds. Super funny, guys. The joke isn’t on Santa Barbara, who probably believe these guys are old because the makeup is pretty decent, but on ABC, whose producers have really hit the bottom of the toilet bowl when it comes up to making a creative date.
Back at the house, Ron packs up to leave. I always thought Ron was too good to be there, and he proves me right by going home when he finds out a close friend passes away. Bigger dum-dums would worry what Andi thought and wait for her to come home and tell her rather than just leave. Good luck, Ron.
Back on the date, Andi and JJ eat Werther’s candy and make out on a carousel. Ha ha! Old people would never do that you guys! JJ feels like this could really be his future, and I hope it is, man. You deserve it.
8:26: JJ and Andi meet for their dinner and he has on some truly hideous pants, which I’ll just assume are the reverse side of his previous teal pants. He’s a pantsapreneur, guys, What is life without ridiculous pants? JJ admits he hasn’t been accepted in the past, that he got picked on, and he’s just quirky now. Andi pronounces it "quarky" and I’m basically done with this date now.
Andi gives JJ, whom she inexplicably called "Herb" when he was dressed as an old dude, the date rose. And then they make some more "old people noises," and I hate them both right now.
Coming up: Someone’s called a "low-life" and Andi fake cries.
8:37: Rose ceremony time. Marquel, ever the peacemaker, feels that everybody deserves one, and Marquel has never seen the show, I guess. What I’m saying is, WHERE IS THE VILLAIN? It’s episode three and I’m supposed to believe that everybody is nice? No. ABC did their research, and they know that we have to hate somebody. Where is this man? The previews have led me to believe I’m about to find out.
Eric (RIP), and Andi reconnect, and in the middle of their special time, she gets a bouquet of flowers from Nick, who actually must have some game. Nick, a true dark horse in a Gap basic tee.
So Nick and Andi go off to make out in a private area, and Nick seems nice. LEAVE, NICK! You are too goo to be here. Go find a nice girl in Chicago. I don’t think he’ll have many problems once he gets home.
Meanwhile, JJ is ruining the night in two ways. One, hideous pants, of course. I recommend ABC shoot him from the waist up — showing his nice gray suit and tie and not the snakeskin printed skinny pants below. Two, he’s stepping all over Andrew’s steez. Andrew apparently got the number of a hostess on the group date, and is bragging all over the house about it. Andrew reminds me of an 80s movie villain, so of course I believe JJ. So what now, Andi can date 25 dudes but Andrew can’t date two girls? Double standard, man. JJ says it mocks the entire process, which, I mean, you just read my last sentence. This is not a show about morals.
But JJ and his pants are going to confront Andrew. They can’t be stopped. Andrew will not engage, so JJ and Josh chase him around the house. FEEL the tension.
8:47: Marcus and Andi have met in a dark corner of the yard to make out and be generally gross. Marcus has a note, which could only have been scrawled on a scrap of toilet paper after he saw Nick’s flower delivery. Too little too late, Marcus.
Meanwhile, Andrew roams the house planning his strategy on how he’s going to get out of this phone number situation. Andrew said he was handed a phone number. He didn’t ask for it, man. This happens everywhere to him — girls just throw their phone number to Andrew. Been happening for years. Also, I should have seen Andrew cast as the villain from miles away — he has a 5 o’clock shadow and uses the phrase "low-life." He also has a smirk that rivals James Spader’s.
Wisely staying out of this is Chris! Our man Chris Soules. The drama-free Iowa farmer. You just keep doing you, Chris.
8:59: Actual rose ceremony time. Nick, JJ and Josh are safe, so Andi adds to them with Marcus, Brian, Marquel, Tasos, Cody, Patrick, Chris, Eric, Dylan and Andrew.
ANDREW! Obviously. There is a reason tomorrow night is "Part 2."
Goodbye, mullet guy is a royal blue valet jacket. I’ll miss you, opera Bradley. He loves to be loved, and cries. Do not cry, opera Bradley.
Andi talks about going with her gut and JJ is stewing. His pants are almost literally on fire right now.
Tomorrow night: Phone number-gate comes to a head, it seems. There’s a basketball game. Marcus gets a one-on-one date. Andi tries REAL hard to cry while giving a sanctimonious speech. Join me, won’t you?
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